Rigged For Her Pleasure: A Political Fan Fiction
by Stevehasaface
Summary: Hillary Clinton wakes up and needs a lover. She waltzes into her office and starts a text conversation that'll change everything. Follow all your favorite presidential nominees on this crazy adventure where they're challenged with love, hate, and each other.


Part 1

Wednesday, June 31st. 3am. Ms. Clinton gets out of bed. She stares in the dark at her husband, Bill. How much longer will she have to put up with his face? How much longer will she have to put up with his ridiculous hobbies? Who collects and categorizes stolen left socks anyway?  
Hillary steps out of the bedroom, leaving her resting husband laying alone on their bdsm style chain suspension mattress. She walks into the other room where her phone is charging. She needs to text him. She needs to make contact. Uninhibited, raw contact. She always makes sure to keep her phone and computer usage strictly in this room. The walls are thick. Real thick. She keeps her server in this room. It's covered in stickers from her favorite show, iCarly. She's named it Freddy, he's her favorite.  
She pressed the power button on her nokia pay per minute burner phone. There's only 3 people who know this number. One of them is sprawled out in the next room creating a boner tent in his sleep with the black satin sheets. That's not who she plans on texting right now. She selects "new message" and chooses contact. Mmmm, sweet contact. She presses "8" twice. She then holds down "0". Then, "8" two more times. Followed by "7" once. She looks at her message before she sends it. A call of desire. A beacon of hunger in the dark early morning. She glances over once more, "U up".  
She hits send.  
As she sit horizontally in her big leather chair, one leg hanging of the front, the tips of her toes supporting the suspended weight of her thighs, she thinks back on the times when things could have turned out differently for Ol' Rodham. She reminisces on the first time she met one of her contacts in what she calls the Tri Force of Pleasure. Sure, the name wasn't original, but she didn't particularly enjoy thinking things through. She throws on some French jazz, lays back with her eyes closed, and with one hand gently caressing her left knee (which is actually more center left in comparison with the seat of the leather chair) she ponders the chance interaction that sparked a romance so intense it changed the way she wore panty hose forever.  
"Oh, Bernie! Stop it, you're so funny! Muahahahahaha!"  
"Ms. Clinton, I have to say, spending the afternoon, eating lunch with you, was nothing short of fantastic. And if I can say, the chicken was delicious"  
Hillary calms to a light giggle. Mr. Sanders is quite the gentleman. An excellent sense of humor AND just look at bod.  
"Oh Bernie, you're great. I can see us being friends for quite some time.  
It's 2009. Ms. Clinton and Senator Sanders are enjoying lunch at the local KFC in Tacoma, WA. Both happened to be in town for a sock convention. Hillary, there for her husband while Bernie was there for trades.  
"Hey listen Bernie, how about you come back to my hotel room with me. I've got the room for free, anything I want completely free. We can empty out the poolside tiki bar for ourselves, it's all free for me"  
Sanders complies, but suggests they just go to her master suite. It's all they'd need for themselves anyway. When they get to the room, Bernie pulls Hillary close. His embrace! Electrifying for a seldom touched ice queen such as Clinton. They run their hands all over each others bodies, mouth to mouth, they fall onto the bed. Bernie, who is towering over Hillary, who is on her back in the pillowy master suite comforter, whispers in her ear.  
"The top 50% of this situation would like to stick a firm 8% into the bottom 50% in hopes of creating more growth"  
"Do it"

Hillary comes to reality. She's back in her home. Bill farting up the sheets. She, clad in her pink lace nightie, sits crooked in the leather chair breathing heavily. She must have lost herself for just a brief moment. The blinking light on her phone indicates a new message. A reply! She turns on the screen, the light from it giving her ecstasy. She clicks "inbox". Clicks to read the message!  
"Where r u"  
Lightning Rod Clinton slides and presses her fingers along a series of numbers that coincide with letters to form a suitable reply. Bill doesn't leave for Harlem until dawn. She might be able to make it uptown, but she can't afford being seen making contact at such an early hour. Suddenly the bathroom light shines from down the hall. Bill is sleep shitting again. She decides to take the chopper. It's free for her anyway.  
"Can b at u hlf hr"  
Send.

She dashes to her walk in closet. It's actually the old indoor pool, but she had it drained in 2005 to have a place to pile up her tweed business skirts. She rummages through the pile until she finds something revealing enough for her sunrise treat. Puts it on and covers herself with a simple robe. A scream suddenly echoes from the vents. No, not now! Why does she always ruin Hillary's fun time!  
Miss Clinton strides down the hallway to a secret door disguised as a bookshelf. Down a stone spiral staircase lit by torches is an iron gate. Hillary pulls the key from her necklace. She pushes through the door and continued down the dark dank path. Her robe undone flowing while she steps. Her breasts, for the most part uncovered in shear white attire. She reaches the end of the hallway and knocks on the third stone from the left, second up. A secret path reveals itself. She follows the path to a row of shackled house guests. They're all attending Thanksgiving at her house this year. She scans the row of about 500 (she hasn't counted nor does she have the time). The last on the right is fighting back again. Making her usual screams for help. She doesn't understand how far below the earth this place actually is. Hillary walks up. Spits on her house guest.  
"Silence!"  
The crying and groaning continues. Clinton gives a firm backhand and once more screams out.  
"SILENCE!"  
There's a lull in the noise. Then a small sniffle.  
"Now, I've had it up to HERE!"  
As she says that final word, she pulls on a chain connected to to noisy house guest, hoisting her upwards several feet.  
"I am busy with this election. I do not have time to cater to your needs right now. I'll leave a note for Bill to cook up some eggs before he leaves for Harlem, but you'll have to wait."  
"WE WANT FREEDOM!"  
"You'll have your freedom. I'll give it to you after you do what I say!"  
"WE'LL NEVER DO WHAT YOU S-"  
And with that, before the thought could be completed, Hillary ran a pipe straight into the super delegates heart.  
"NOW YOU SEE! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT!"  
She screams to the rest of her guests.  
"I WILL TAKE YOUR LIFE IF I DON'T GET WHAT I WANT"  
She leaves it at that. Closes her robe. Turns away and walks out of the quarters.  
She has a booty call to tend to.  
Up on the chopper pad of Clinton Tower, Hillary shivers from the morning breeze. She's already fifteen minutes late and now down one super delegate. Let alone she has an extra spot at the table for thanksgiving now. She puts this all aside. It's time to focus on getting uptown. The chopper blades start turning. She throws on the head gear and gets ready for lift off. She loves this helicopter. She got it for free back when Bill left the white house. They took it home and just never sent it back. The helicopter starts lifting. So does her spirits. Roddy is on the move! There's nothing more beautiful than flying over the city as the sky turns from black to dark blue. She can see the light coming over the horizon. It reminds her of the time she took out a very special friend on a sunrise hike through the Colorado Rockies back in the spring of 2014.

"You think if we jump we can make it?"  
Ted Cruz was standing on the edge of a cliff. He let out a giant puff of smoke and backed away.  
"I don't know man, I mean, I'm definitely not saying we can't, but I'd bug out if I died"  
Cruz hands the comically large blunt to Clinton. It's been going for about an hour, but has yet reached the halfway mark.  
"Haha, how could you bug out and die at the same time?"  
Clinton stopped for a moment and came to her solution.  
"I'd, like, hit the ground then I'd like get up and be all AGHAGAGH as I die"  
She illustrated herself by gyrating her arms and torso to sure what it would look like to totally freak out about dying.  
"Hahaha that's perfect! Come with me to the edge of this cliff and give me a hug"  
Clinton had long suspected Cruz of foul play. She questioned his reasoning for carrying a survival knife and rope for a walk through a path in a national park. Not to mention she was so blitzed she couldn't clearly remember who's idea it was to go on this hike. She now sat staring into space while Cruz stands patiently waiting for his hug on the edge of the cliff.  
"It's something wrong?"  
Hillary snaps out of it and now can't remember what she was just thinking about. Suddenly Bill comes out of the bushes. Hillary and Ted totally forgot he was with them! The three of them are so excited to see each other they group hug. One of them was trying to sway it towards the edge, Hillary could tell. Hillary gets her few hits of the marijuana and passes to Bill.  
"Hey Hillary" Ted says, "let's go over there and see if there's anything we can shoot"  
With that, Ted pulls a gun out of literally no where. Bill takes a pull off the blunt, holds it in his mouth, and gets up real close to Ted.  
"Open up" he chokes out.  
Ted, like a champ, opens his mouth wide and leans back like a baby bird ready to be fed. Bill grabs Ted's face and puts his mouth near Ted's mouth. Then he emits an alarmingly large amount of smoke. Smoke so dense that both their teeth were instantly yellowed. Bill pushes off and manages a "I didn't inhale" just for the record. Hillary, now sitting up against a tree, is watching this unfold and at the same time glazing over it.  
"So about shooting you, I mean shooting something with you, haha imagine if I shot you! Hahaha!" Ted exclaims while pointing the gun at Hillary. His eyes, red with rage or thc, Hillary couldn't tell. She gets the blunt handed back to her. The last thing she remembers was the blunt being shoved into her mouth by Ted and it smelled oddly chemical. And it felt more like a towel than a blunt.

Clinton is within sight of the rendezvous. She prepares to land on the palaces helipad. As she flies over the tall walls that surround the palace she can't help but laugh. Partly because the wall looks ridiculous and you can just fly over it and partly because the vibrations of the helicopter ignite her flame. She lands perfectly on the pad and throws off the head gear. This was the perfect place to meet her morning glory. She passes through the gold doors from the rooftop. Walks the long hallway towards the gold elevator. Any minute now she'll be in his arms. She gets onto the elevator. Presses the button to the floor she needs. She starts undoing her robe just to be ready. A little flick of the nipples brings extra attention to how amazing her rack looks in the negligé. The elevator dings. Her reflection in the gold doors split and there standing in the silhouette of the orange sunlight was Emperor Trump. Hillary was extremely confused until she saw it. There on the floor in a bloody mess was her lover, her booty call, her raison d'etre.

The real Bin Laden was dead on the floor and Trump stood stoically with that look of undeserved pride that Hillary knew all too well.  
Hillary lets out a scream that shakes the very gold foundation the Trump palace stood upon.  
"DONALD HOW COULD YOU!  
"Listen, Hillary, he wasn't the one who answered you tonight. It was me. I…I still love you"  
Rodrod didn't know how take this information in. First off, her long time love, the one she helped fake his death so they could be together, was now actually dead only feet away. Secondly, Sir Donald was now standing there professing his love to her in front of a dead body. It was all just…SO ROMANTIC!  
"Oh Donald, you know how much I love a "Gitmo Style" proposal. I would love nothing more than to replace Osama with you in my Tri Force of Desire"  
"I'm pretty sure it's 'Pleasure' not 'Desire'."  
"Oh, you!"  
They embraced. Hillary's mouth slopping up a portion of Donalds neck. Donald just mouthing out the word "uuuuge" repeatedly. The sun and their rise in blood pressure working in synergy to bring the heat.

Bin Laden lay motionless on the floor. His plan to prove Hillary as a lying whore had worked. All these years, all the late night meet ups had finally paid off. The hardest part was convincing her that Trump, who had been his partner all along, was cool with them sexing up his penthouse. Once that was set, it was all jelly. Oh allah, finally an end to all that jelly. What was with Clinton's jelly fetish anyway? Personally, bin Laden thought her husbands sock thing was far more relatable than-. Forget it. This isn't about the jelly. It's over. She was now pressing up against Emperor Donald, disbanded from her robe, sheer white cloth separating her loose skin from Trumps. The sound is what really threw him off. Oh allah, just like jelly in a jar. If he was gonna see the plan through, she was going to need to be completely indisposed. Everyone knows Hillary Clinton is the most dangerous woman with a paddle. The sex paddle was only two feet from where they are seemingly melting together. He just needed to wait.

Several minutes of pure ecstasy passes. Hillary, in the heat of the passion, considers looking into how free it would be to have a dead body in the room for all her love making. It's oddly thrilling! And Donald looks just beautiful. Like a baby with skin cancer in a wig.  
"Donald? Would you take off the wig? For me?"  
He gets up out of bed to comply to her request. As he walks over to the sink, Hillary can't help but get a look at that ass. Like two tectonic plates in the desert just grinding on each other. And let's not forget about those moles and skin tags across his hairless back. She could make a constellation called the Hillary and be on his back forever. Donald wets a paper towel and cleanly wipes the golden cotton candy from his head. He turns towards Hillary.  
"What do ya think?"  
"Get over here you sexy tan baby, you."  
Just as Donald jumps into bed, Hillary crunches up out of the way. Her eyes make a quick motion towards the dead bin Laden on the floor. Did she just see…?  
DID HE JUST BLINK?!  
Hillary takes less than a second and she's got the paddle in hand. She jumps from the bed and demands bin Laden stand up. Bin Laden knew the jig was up, it was time to admit his wrong doing. Suddenly, Trump stands up from bed. He takes one of the golden silk sheets and covers his junk.  
"Hillary, we've got you in camera committing adultery. Not only with me, but with Osama as well. You're going down. Now put down the paddle."  
Hillary thinks for a second. Both men appear unarmed. She wasn't going to just give up. She dashes for the wall. She just needs to get enough leverage to kick off and do a flip towards the door. Before she blinks again she's on the move. Suddenly, Trump reaches both hands out as he drops the sheet. His golden, glimmering penis in plain sight. His short stubby fingers suddenly start ejecting from his hands. Missiles! Hillary can hardly believe it. She thought about what would've happened if one of those shot off only minutes before while they were intimate. She gets within 5 feet of the wall. That's the mark. She hikes up the lingerie as to increase flexibility. Milliseconds before Trumps finger missiles put a hole in the painting of gold on the wall, Hillary had launched towards the door while also throwing the paddle towards Osama. She reaches the golden elevator door. She has 10 seconds until that door opens. The paddle seemingly whizzed right past bin Laden. Trump makes motions to reload his small single-knuckle fingers. He screams for bin Laden to attack. But Osama stands motionless. Then, he turns his head towards Trump and mutters out "I'm sorry". The next second, his head falls off. Severed clean off by the sex paddle.  
DING!  
The elevator doors open up. Hillary dives in. About five seconds goes by until the doors begin to close. She realized she didn't need to dive. There was plenty of time. She starts jamming the close door button just as Trump was ready to shoot again. Just in the knick of time she is heading back to the helipad. She takes as moment to recollect. Perhaps the love bin Laden had for her was a fluke, but what she felt was real. She honestly isn't sure if anyone else was able to handle the jelly. Was she even ready to open up to someone else about it?  
The elevator dings again. She's there. The doors open to the hallway. Trump took the stairs it seems. He was waiting for her. He fires another round of finger missiles into the elevator. But is empty. Trump, confused and in need of a reload, turns around.  
Hillary is directly behind him now and smashes her forehead into Donalds nose. How did she she do it?  
Instantly, Hillary makes a dash for the rooftop access golden doors. She dives into the chopper which was on auto start and takes off. Just as she reaches 20 feet she sees Trump on the roof. He looks up at her and then starts doing something unexpected. He makes a run for it towards the far edge of the roof. Then…HE JUMPS!  
Now Hillary is confused. Until…a helicopter starts rising above the building. And Bernie is behind the wheel?! First and foremost in Rods mind was the Triangular Pleasure Whatever was over. Now, it's time to kill. Hillary puts on the head gear. Starts preparing the helicopters missiles to be disengaged. At this point, Bernie, with Trump riding bitch, is flying straight at Hillary. Hillary is propelling herself backwards past the city skyline. Both are firing endless rounds from an automatic machine gun. Both giving off a raw, primal scream that signifies someone must die.

Bill is hanging back in the kitchen. Throws on some early morning tuneage. Streisand and Richie on shuffle. He's preparing roughly 550 servings of eggs for his wife's guests. Little does he know he'll have extra left over today. Suddenly a strange noise can be heard. Very much like an air craft at high speeds. He knows what's up, he's seen 9/11. He walks across the room to the balcony. He opens the giant glass doors. The noise is much louder now. Speeding aircraft and gunshots. He'd know that sound anywhere. Just then, two helicopters dash by the balcony. Facing each other, firing off constantly, while the pilots express absolute rage and contempt for each other. His wife and Bernie Sanders are dueling amongst the buildings. With the helicopter he needed to use to get to Harlem. It was his chopper anyway, he was the president, so what the hell is this shit he's witnessing? He plates the eggs he's prepared, makes a quick run down to the guest quarters to drop off the food, and starts on his way. If he wasn't going to be able to take the helicopter he was going to be late!

"Kids! Breakfast is ready!"  
Maureen was just pulling the bacon off the pan. A little bit of grease pops and catches her hand. Ouch, that actually hurt a little she thought. The kids start barreling down the stairs.  
"Slow down! You're making a lot of noise!"  
The kids, Becky and Joffrey, sit down. Instantly they start banging their silverware on the mahogany table. Maureen looks over her shoulder at them. God if she could just get some relief from these kids.  
"Hey mom!" Becky whines out "were hungry no-"

Suddenly, Hillary loses control of her helicopter. It's not turning! She's flying backwards directly into a building!  
CRASH!  
She's flown directly into a kitchen! She doesn't have time for overreacting. She jumps from the chopper. She can see now she's landed directly on top of a beautiful mahogany table.  
"Oh what a shame!"  
Next, she notices the smell of bacon. On the ground is a flipped over pan with grease splattered everywhere. The pantry door opens. Out steps a very tired looking woman. Her hand completely burned by bacon grease.  
"Stay in the pantry! Put some flour on that wound, it'll cool it and soak up the grease in the wound!"  
"Thanks for the tip!" the unknown woman says as she recedes to the pantry.  
Hillary needs to get moving. Bernie and naked Donald Trump are surely making their way around the building and will be back around to finish her off in any second. She makes a run for the door. Closet. Damn. Another door! Bathroom? Gah! Ok, this has to be the exit. There's a rack of keys next to it. She opens the door and finds a room with rows of display cases. They're filled with socks! Oh no, she remembers. Bill's gonna be pissed when she tells him they need another free helicopter. Now she really needs to win this election. Another thought comes to mind. A way out of this place.

Maureen was really surprised. The flour trick worked! She's been in the pantry for roughly a minute. Now, through the new hole in her kitchen, she hears a second helicopter draw near. And inside her kitchen, movement? Surely the crash killed her two children and her husband was on business in Japan. She cracks open the door to the pantry to see what's going on. As if it were perfect timing, she catches sight of Hillary Clinton, clad in shear white lingerie, throwing a lasso around a helicopter blade protruding from her kitchen and making a full on Tarzan swing to the approaching second helicopter. Amazing!  
Then she notices something. That rope was made of socks! Her socks! That's definitely the special edition Hanging with Mr Cooper right sock she bought. The only other one is a lefty owned by former President of the United States Bill Clinton! All she can do now is laugh. Bill is so out of the convention this year.

Lil' Hill got the perfect upswing on that launch. Bernie could tell she wouldn't go down that easily.  
"Trump, I want you, to go down there, and check she hasn't latched on."  
Naked Donald Trump knows the urgency of the situation. No time to be ashamed of his naked body. He throws on a vest and attaches a rope to it. He ties the other end to the helicopter. Bernie starts heading south, he knows where this must end.

The Amazing Hillary is holding on by the crease of her knee. At this point, the little bit of clothes still hanging on Clinton's draped frame are only weighing her down. Over her head they go and down to the city below. She'll just get another one later for free. She swings her way upright and puts a firm grasp on the helicopters landing gear. She looks to her right, TRUMP! He's dropped from the helicopter and has come for her! There's only one thing she can do.  
"Hey Trump! You're going down!"  
She lunges off the beam and tackles Trump on the other side. They both start diving towards the ground. The rope quickly unraveling and reaching its full extent at a rapid pace. Naked Donald Trump and Naked Hillary Clinton, front to front, start duking it out. Hillary gets Trumps lip in her jaws and rips backwards. Trump jamming his knee constantly into her slight frame. Suddenly a huge jerk! The rope is fully extended. Hillary is barely hanging on at this point. Trumps bony pink ankle was all Hillary managed to grasp. Up in the sky, she can see the weight of the two of them threw the helicopter off balance. It was now plummeting towards them mid air.

Bernie was out of options. It was either he pressed the button he swore to never press or all three of them die. He didn't know what was on the other side of that button. It was installed as a novelty. He just liked to have it for bragging rights. As the ground started getting closer and closer he started weighing his options. Either he goes down in a helicopter with two other candidates, who are in fact naked hanging from the helicopter, or "the button". He's not even sure there's a way back after he's pressed it. He decided if he didn't press the button. he couldn't work a way out of that PR nightmare. He needed to press the button.

Trump had Hillary hanging from his ankle. He literally couldn't shake this bitch. They were going to die, he knows it at this point. There's only one thing left to do. Pray there's gold in hell. At that moment, the helicopter above let's out a purple beam. The beam shoots out about 40 feet and stops mid air and forms a portal. The helicopter tumbles directly into the hole in the sky and now he and Hillary are being propelled upward and over the edge of the hole. He looks down at Hillary and laughs.  
"You have no idea what you've done"

Hillary couldn't believe it. The technology was real! Right in front of her eyes, a portal to another dimension. They said it wasn't possible and after the Bush years she believed it. But here it is. And she's on a non-stop train right to the center of it.

Part 2

"Hey-oh!"  
Bill is strutting his stuff down the street. He tall limber frame bopping along to the grooviest of internal beats. He greets the fruit guy at the corner, flips him a quarter for something fresh to eat.  
"Hey, oranges are 75¢!"  
Bill moves the orange like an acrobat behind his back, up the stack of tangerines and back down in between the ripe bananas and plantains.  
"Hey, I'm sorry. I assumed it was free" Clinton said apologetically. He reaches into the pocket of his garb. He only finds a nickel and his atm card. He only has one option, ask for it for free. That's usually something he leaves up to Hillary.  
"Can I just owe you the fifty cents? I'm good for the money, I'm one of the former presidents."  
"NO! You think I can just go out lending oranges and apples to everybody in this neighborhood?! I am an immigrant man with a fruit stand on a city corner! People like you come to my stand, you want to pay one quarter for something that costs three quarters! Morning sales are my bread and butter! I'm sorry, no! You come back with 75¢ I give you the orange."  
Well that just ruined it for Bill. He placed the orange down. He moved along.

 __Sirens. Sirens and…darkness. Hillary opens her eyes. Ok, no more darkness. There are still sirens though for sure. She's coming back to consciousness. Somewhere in the reality warp tunnel she blacked out. She stands up to acclimate to her new environment. She's on the street. Somewhere north of central park in NYC. There's a fruit stand up on the corner. She reads the sign in front of it. Thirty cents per orange isn't bad. The siren still wails throughout the city streets. She not entirely sure what to expect in this alternate reality. For one, she's back to being fully clothed. Also, she's not sure where the helicopter went. Or Bernie. Or naked Donald Trump. Is he even still naked himself?  
She feels a vibration in her pocket. A cell phone? Who's calling her? She pulls out am iPhone from her overalls pocket. Who's iPhone is this? She looks at the number. The ID says it's "TFP2".  
She hits the green circle on the screen to accept the call.  
"Hillary? It's Bernie! You gotta come home. I'm here. Things are strange. Bill is here. Ted Cruz is here. Get home."  
Hillary heads back to the Clinton Tower. The building seems to be called the HillaryDome now. She kinda liked it. She knows the tower is in no way a dome, but who's to say something needs to be a dome for you to call it a dome? She gets it.  
She rides up to the 76th floor, the main living space. The elevator doors open and there on the sectional couch, all dressed in varying colored turtleneck sweaters, were Bill, Ted, and an extremely freaked out Bernie.  
Hillary's instinct was to attack Bernie. He was unarmed now, and look, there was a sex paddle right there on the wall. Bernie stood up. He slowly but surely made his way across the room right up to Hillary.  
"Ok, here's the situation. You're all of ours wife. We're in some strange version of the truth. Some sort of reverse Mormonism. Bill and Ted are pretty much huge stoners together. They don't know we've gained consciousness from an alternate dimension."  
"And Trump?"  
"Trump is Master Controller of the States of Trump. He just kinda fell into the position and is riding with it. And here's the thing…"  
Bernie pulls out a newspaper from this back pocket.  
"…he's got the only way back to our world. And he's in D.C."  
Hillary looks at the headline and nearly craps.  
MASTER CONTROLLER TRUMP SLAPS HIS BRAND ON NEW ALTERNATE REALITY TECHNOLOGY

Bill Clinton and Ted Cruz were geeking out in the kitchen. Ted had a vape pen and Bill had the solid connect for some dank oils. Bill was the best at smoke rings. Ted was good, but Bill put on a ballet with the vapor that was unrivalled.  
"Hey pass me that butter"  
Ted passed the butter over to Bill who was standing over the stove.  
"Ah sweet! Munchies!" Ted exclaimed.  
"Dude, they're WEED munchies!" Bill revealed, spitting a little when he spoke. "The butter is weed and the syrup is weed and the bread is…haha actually the bread is just bread"  
Bill turns around with the completed dish. Challah bread french toast. Perfectly crisped and just drooling with weed infused toppings.  
"I've made enough for me, you, and our brother-husband Bernie."  
"What about our wife Hillary?"  
"Dude, you know she strictly won't do weed. She only wants us 3 stoned all the time. It's how she gets away with all that shit." _  
_Hillary and Bernie are conspiring plans in the other room. They decide they need to go to DC, trap Donald Trump and take him with them back into their dimension utilizing his newly branded technology. They know it'll be tough. Trump has gained consciousness in a dimension where he's even more powerful than he dreamed of in the first place. This isn't good. They look out the widows onto the streets below. The whole city seems to be a police state. The policemen clad in gold, one on every corner. The streets themselves, gold. The lamps? Gold. It was all a little too tacky for Hillary's taste. She much preferred bright varying colors, it looked much more professional to her. Getting out of the city might prove tough, let alone getting all the way to DC. They decide they need to try anyway. They'll take the two idiots in the kitchen with them, they might prove useful in this strange reality. Bernie and Hillary walk back into the room which Bill and Ted have completely inundated with vapor haze.  
"Hey brother Bernie! We made breakfast! Chow down my man!"  
Ted is grinning to the limits. A small amount of saliva is gathered on each side of his lips. Bernie looks warily at the classic Brooklyn diner breakfast. He can't resist. It looks delicious. He jabs a large portion into the fork and eats. The two other guys just smiling and vaping and eating. Bernie considered for a second the strange taste. Something he never tasted before in this dish. It wasn't bad, just different. He finished the plate. Bill wasn't a bad cook!  
"Listen, Bill and Ted. You two need to get ready. We're going down to Washington DC. The two of you, Bernie, and I. We need to get to the Donald and we need your help."  
"Haha, getting into DC isn't easy. There's like 8 walls surrounding the place. You know that. You were majorly opposed to the, like, fifth one"  
"Oh…yes. Sure I remember." Hillary lied.  
"Yea, and, like, the westernmost slaughter dome is called the "I Hate Hillary Tower". There's no way you're getting anywhere near Donald City."  
This was all extremely shocking news to Hillary. What was she going to do? She needed to get past those walls. She needed to get Donald alone with that machine. She really needed to avoid that slaughter dome tower.  
"I've got it" she says under her breath. She looks up at the two goons and her former lover then enemy now husband Bernie.  
"Bernie, Bill and Ted…are you ready for an adventure?"  
In perfect unison the two stoners cheered out "EXCELLENT!" _  
_Bernie really enjoyed that meal. He really ate a little too much now that he thinks about it.

Clinton, with her 3 husbands in tow, makes her way to the street level. The sirens are audible from the lobby. She turns to ask Ted what the sirens were about.  
"Well that's a weird question. Why are you suddenly so forgetful?"  
Hillary is on thin ice. She has to keep in mind that Bill and Ted aren't aware this dimensions Hillary has gained consciousness from a separate dimensions Hillary. They were so baked anyway the idea wouldn't grasp.  
"Well, our beautiful wife, little lady forgetful, I'll remind you. The sirens were installed nationwide as an alert system. A sort of house alarm, but for the country."  
"So we're under attack?!"  
"Haha, no! As long as our borders are secure and the immigrants are kept out you'll be hearing that siren. It was part of his "Sweet Sirenity" bill that Trump passed in his fifth term."  
Hillary officially needed to get out of here. Sirens that go off when there isn't a problem? A slaughter dome they named after her? Let alone they're calling it a tower. She really didn't get that part. And Trump is the Master Controller of the US? Master Controller was her idea. She was supposed to be supreme leader. The only thing keeping her grounded was Bernie. She could put aside recent differences and see the beautiful man she met back in Tacoma in the other dimension. He was her only connection to a reality that started to feel like pure fantasy compared to right now. She wishes she could go back to that night. Back to the ecstasy he delivered. She looked over at Bernie. He was looking right back at her. Staring directly into her soul. She knew he felt what she felt at this moment. All the confusion and desire. His eyes were watering up. This was all too much emotion for Hillary right now.

 __Bernie is pretty sure that French toast had weed in it. He hasn't smoked any weed with those fellas, but he's totally spacing out right now. He's kind of just staring in Hillary's direction completely devoid of thought. The banter from Ted about the sirens, the actual sirens themselves. All of it is just so irrelevant. It's like his mind was fudge, but fudge that was so good everyone ate it. His eyes welled up with tears a little. Why did they have to eat his mind? That's not cool. He's getting more and more tired. Man is he sleepy. And this reality he's in? It's starting to bug him out. The stress is really bumming him out. And being bummed out is just making him more tired. He snaps out of it for a second when Bill comes into focus in front of his face.  
"Dude, you really shouldn't have eaten that whole serving. You know the rules, eat like 2 bites and just wait. Maybe have another bite later. You pretty much ate a half ounce of the strongest weed Trump Industries sells."  
Bernie wants to be alarmed. He gets why he should be alarmed. He's pretty sure he wanted to be the one to legalize weed. The fact that Trump not only legalized it, but also branded it and it was actually pretty dank should be enough to freak Bernie out hard. But he was just so relaxed and tired. Sanders considered for a second just taking a quick rest. Once he got some sleep he'll be good to go. His eyelids, as if the source of the idea, shut themselves before Bernie had a chance to process the situation.

Hillary slaps Bill.  
"What did you just say to him? You put weed in his food?!"  
"Of course, Hill." Bill replied. "Nothing out of the ordinary".  
Next thing she knows, Bernie is closing his eyes. He falls to the ground. Unbelievable! What the hell is she supposed to do with this? She can't leave him behind, he has to be with her and Trump when they transfer back to their home dimension. Not even Hillary is evil enough to leave Bernie in a Trump ridden America where he's married to her along with her husband Bill and also Ted Cruz. She also can't just lug around a completely baked passed out man. Weed may be legal, but this was just plain indecent. Ted couldn't help but laugh at the whole situation. He pulled out a pair of sunglasses from his pocket and stuck them on Bernie. Bill started laughing too and taking pictures. Hillary couldn't be in this mayhem any longer. She needed to get this disaster in order, get to DC and get home. She hails a cab. She just needs to get out of the city and she'll rent a car and the four of them will be on the move. The cab pulls up.  
"Bill, Ted. Pick up Bernie and get him in the back seat."  
She climbed into the passenger seat in the front of the cab. Looked into the back. Bill and Ted at either window gazing out with that stupid look in their bloodshot eyes. Bernie, her only thread to reality, in the middle completely knocked out on THC and sporting sunglasses. She gives the address to the taxi driver.  
"That'll be about $40"  
Hillary shrilled at the thought of something actually having a cost. What does he mean? It's not free?  
That was it. Hillary was getting the fuck out of this mad dimension.

The taxi dropped Hillary and co. just across the river. She couldn't believe her eyes. She was staring across a barren wasteland. Piles of human excess and waste spread across the landscape. Toxic fumes suffocating the depleting forests. A river of slime giving solace to an array genetically mutated creatures that Hillary could only imagine used to be fish. Finally, Roddy was somewhat comforted. New Jersey was exactly the same in this dimension. She took in a huge whiff of the air, choked, then smiled. She was now feeling the confidence she needed to carry on. _  
_Bill and Ted, with Bernie wearing sunglasses propped up between them passed out cold on a half ounce of highly potent cheeba, walk into the vehicle rental place. They step up to the counter to get a car for their road trip. The clerk clicks around in the computer and says all she needs in a card to complete the purchase. With Bernies arms slung over each their shoulders to prop him upright, the two dudes whisper to each other behind his back.  
"What are we doing, man? Hillary is the one with the money. I've only got, like, eight gold coins." Bill exclaimed.  
"Check Bernies pocket. I bet he's got some gold on him." Ted says.  
Bill digs into Bernies pocket. He pulls out 4 gold coins, a little red book, and…A CREDIT CARD!  
"Dude look! A little book filled with j papers!" Ted can barely keep his eyes in head.  
"Yea, but also look at this!" Bill says, "4 more gold coins!"  
"Are you guys ok? Is there a problem?" The clerk was getting impatient. Bill and Ted were talking behind unconscious Bernies back for about two minutes.  
They come back around. Bill with the small gathering of items in his open palm, him looking dumbfounded with what to do.  
"Oh perfect! A credit card. And which one of you is…Bernie?" The clerk asks as she takes the card from Bill's hand. The two of them panic. What're they to do? Ted makes a split second decision. He takes the arm draped around his neck and simulates Bernies hand as if to claim ownership of the card. Bill and Ted, with a desperately hopeful look on their faces, turn back to the clerk.  
"Ok, Mr Sanders. I'll just need your signature right here and we'll pull the vehicle around for you"  
Once more, the two men panic. How are they going to do this? Bill takes the arm he's responsible for and puts Bernies hand in his.  
"It's ok Bernie, you can do this" he says in a consoling voice. He turns to the rental clerk and explains "he's very sentimental about his signature. It was his father's before he passed away. They were close."  
Bill managed to push out a few tears. Ted, taken by this heartfelt tale, choked up. Bill then guided Sanders hand over the paper to form a signature. The rental clerk, slightly tearing up from the beautiful moment she thought she just witnessed, takes the signed paper back.  
"Thank you very much Mr Sanders. Your rental will be…" she chokes trying to hold back from bawling out. She takes a deep breath. "Your rental will be right around." And with that she let's loose on the tears. Ted, also fooled by Bill's tall tale, bursts out in tears as well. Bill is so high and so touched by the empathy of others he begins crying too. Bernie is now hanging there being held up by two grown crying men. The rental clerk needed to be closer. She comes from around the desk to join in on what she assumed was a group hug.

Hillary is confused. What's taking so long in there? She looks through the glass to see what the guys were doing in there. Are they crying? Why is the sales clerk hugging them? She hears a voice behind her.  
"Excuse me Miss, are you with the Sanders party?"  
She turns around to see another employee of the rental company. He's holding out a set of keys.  
"I apologize, but it's all we had left"  
Hillary looks beyond him at the vehicle she's supposed to take all the way down to DC. She can't believe it. What kind of rental place is this? She turns back around to the building to see the signs. How did she miss it? This is a hot air balloon rental place!

The three bromigos stepped out of the hot air balloon rental building. Hillary was already waiting in the passenger basket. She wasn't sure exactly how to steer one of these things. The owner's manual in the glove box was no help. What option did she have at this point. At least traveling at a high altitude will keep them away from the safety signaling sirens.  
"Before we take off, does anyone have to use the bathroom?"  
"I think Bernie already pee'd" Bill laughed.  
"Well then change his diaper! Why do you think I marry three if you? So I can clean your piss when you lose control of your bladder because you're too high? Get real, the Depends are in the travel pack." Hillary replied "and remember, I am the woman in this relationship. You three are here solely for sexual relief. Aside from that, you take care of each other."  
Hillary has had it up to here with these guys. The sooner this mission is done the sooner she can get back to imprisoning super delegates and ruining people's lives in her own familiar dimension. Sure, it was easy to get away with the lies in this reality, but she kind of missed people calling her on her shit. It allowed her to lie even further. She really loved lies.  
The two conscious men heaved the one unconscious man into the basket and jumped in themselves. The rental company employee cut the chord holding them to the earth.  
"Wait!" Hillary screamed "What are the keys for?"  
The employee screamed back up to her "for the turbo! Just put the key in the-"  
Hillary had floated too high to hear what he was saying at this point. He was still screaming and miming the motions down below. It looked as if she needed to put the key in something and turn it, then yank at something? Then stomp on something? Now it looks like he's…eating corn on the cob? Surely that can't be it.  
"Ted, go through that manual. Figure out how to use the turbo function."  
Luckily it seemed the winds were blowing south. Until they figured out how to steer this thing, at least it was heading in the general direction they needed.  
"Ted! Those turbo directions?"  
"Yea,I got it. It says right here. The key goes on the bottom of the carriage. Turning the key releases a handle on the inside of the carriage, right here!" Ted pointed to a handle attached to some sort of pulley. "Next…hmmm, it says pulling the turbo handle will set fire to this basket so you're gonna need to stomp it out. They recommend roasting corn around the fire after you've crashed. Looks like there's ears of corn supplied in the glove box? And check it out, they've got a recipe in here for chipotle butter."  
Bill was so down for that corn. He volunteered to get underneath and ignite the turbo. Hillary had to make a deal. Let her navigate them further south and when they land for a break, she'll buy them the butter ingredients. She shivered at the idea of having to spend her own money on something.  
"Ok cool. Hopefully soon, I have to go to the bathroom" said Ted.

Hillary had full control of the air balloon now. She figured out how to steer it. The writer didn't actually research how to navigate air balloons before writing this part so he's just trusting Hillary has it under control.  
"I sure do"  
Excellent. So Hillary, Bill, Ted and Bernie were zipping through the air, as hot air balloons are known for their high speeds. Ted pulls out yet another blunt and lights it up.  
"Come on honey take a hit. You're already 'high', haha get it?" Ted is notioning for Hillary to partake in the rolled marijuana.  
She weighs the consequences. The group really didn't need another stoner in the mix. Let alone when she's the only sober one she pretty much has complete control. Although on the other hand, what was she controlling right now? The direction the air balloon is flying? That only took one hand AND it was on cruise control. She could really use some stress relief. She started her morning before the sun looking to get some from her lover bin Laden. That turned out to be a little messy. Now she's here with alternate dimension versions of her lovers and friends in an air balloon flying at incredibly high speeds.  
"Alright, light your mama up. I'm ready to do some weed"  
Bill laughed "we mostly call it cheeba…or bud, or Mary j, or kush, or grass, or reefer, or chronic, or dank…"  
"Yea," Ted continues "or pot, or herb, green, ganja, sinsemilla, cannabis, hash, j-bombs, blunts, doobs, doobies"  
"Mostly though we just say 'Hey, you got shit?" Bill concluded.  
"Alright, muahahaha, pass me that 'Maui wowie" Hillary tried.  
"No, actually Maui Wowie is a strain of bud. Much like Acapulco Gold, BC Bud, Lime Green, White Widow, OG Kush, Strawberry Haze…" Bill corrected her.  
"Yea, or like Manhattan Silver, Casey Jones, Cookies and Cream, Half Baked, Americone Dream…" Ted continued.  
"Nah man, those are mostly Ben and Jerry's flavors" Bill burst out laughing  
"Oh yea…OH! The one with the cookie butter core? Oh my god! So good!" Ted replies between giggles.  
Hillary is beginning to lose her patience.  
"Enough! Just give me a suck of the cheeba joint whatever-you-want-to-call-it!"  
Ted looks down as to avoid eye contact with his shared wife as he hands it her way.  
"Actually, you would just say blunt" he mutters under his breath.  
"Whatever!" Hillary snaps as she snatches the marijuana rolled in a cigar wrap. Why couldn't this be as easy as steering the hot air balloon? She takes in a large amount of smoke and holds it in. Five…four…three…two…COUGH COUGH COUGH. All of a sudden her head feels like her eyes are sideways. And her eyes…her eyes are like all black and spots. This was some ridiculous weed she had to imagine. They didn't make it this strong when she was growing up in her own dimension. She had to lay down. She spread herself on the floor of the air balloon basket. There was more room than she expected. She was really feeling great now. 4 feet away propped sitting up was passed out Bernie Sanders. Now she gets why he's out like a light. She invites Bill and Ted to lay down with her.  
"C'mon down here guys, mama wants to feel the force"  
The random Stars Wars reference went straight over Bill and Ted's heads. George Lucas died at a young age in this dimension. Literally no one knew about him. Not even the children his parents had after his death. They didn't bring it up and now they're dead so really, no one who ever knew George Lucas is alive today and knows who he was. So when Hillary mentioned "the force" they were a little confused. They were also really high so it didn't exactly phase them either. _  
_Bill and Ted laid out on either side of Hillary. They were both a little nervous. They'd never been naked with Hillary together. Sure with just one of them and Hillary was nothing new. Even the two of them naked alone was a common occurrence, but the two of them AND Hillary? This was all just so nerve racking. Bill started by moving his hands across her breasts. Ted, working the panties, was starting to breathe heavily and get nervous. They met together in the middle of Hillary's body over her now exposed abdomen and let out a little laugh. They backed their heads away from each other oh so slightly. Never breaking the gaze between them. Bill let out a quiet but powerful sigh. Ted dove in for the kill. He opened his mouth and landed it directly onto Bill's open mouth. The two men had lost control. Hillary just laying between them as they were full on making out over her. Bill went for Ted's turtleneck sweater. Ted was fixated on Bill's belt. The two were nearly half naked when suddenly Hillary chimed in.  
"Oh…my…god…yea…do it…"  
And with that, Hillary feel asleep. The weed was too powerful for her. Bill and Ted decided to respect their wife's dignity. They sat her up next to their brother-husband, Bernie, before they continued down this new and exciting path. _  
_Hillary was in and out of it. She was so high she couldn't keep awake at lengths. She opens her eyes slightly. Are Bill and Ted sixty nining? She falls back asleep. Eyes crack open again. Bills doing a hand stand over Ted's erect penis. She falls back asleep. Once more she's awake. They're laying there, Bill wrapped around Teds side. Ted's smoking a cigarette looking relaxed. Bill is crying. She missed it! She completely fell asleep for their threesome. And they went ahead without her? That's a whole other discussion.  
A noise starts emitting from the air balloons dashboard. Hillary checks the manual to decipher the yellow light that came on.  
"Hmmm…" she deducted "it seems the 'low fuel' symbol means we're low on fuel."  
Ted is now standing naked looking over the edge of the air balloons basket. Bill is pressed up behind him wrapping a blanket around both of them. "Look!" Ted points to the ground. Hillary pulls out her spyglass telescope she apparently had the whole time and spots what Ted is referring to. A hot air balloon refuel station! Perfect!

Hillary hits the brakes on the hot air balloon and starts doing the thing you do to make it go back to the ground. She perfectly lands the hot air balloon next to the pump. Ted and Bill are throwing their pants on in the basket. Ted really needs to pee and Bill wants to watch.  
"You guys go 'round to the bathroom and I'll be in here buying some pop and chewing tobaccy, y'all."  
They've landed in rural Virginia. Not too much further until they reach DC. She definitely needs something to eat before the final stretch though. Another thing, she definitely needed to blend in. Surely the people in this area would be intolerant of her as she is Hillary Clinton. She steps up to the counter inside.  
"Alright, gimme some that gas out there, say 40 gold coins. Pump 3. I'll also take a can of Copenhagen black, some that spicy jerky, some those pop tarts…uhhh fudge sundae flavor, 4 bottles mountain dew, aaaaand a confederate flag"  
The clerk rings everything up. Rodham Clinton is staring past the clerk, still in a light haze from that marijuana tokey doobie she smoked before. She snaps back into the real world as the clerk asks if that's all. In that moment, it hits Hillary. She knows how she's going to infiltrate Donald City and get her, Bernie, and Donald back.  
"Nah," she says "gimme some there condoms. Ribbed. For her pleasure." _  
_Bill and Ted are walking out of the bathroom together. The bathroom door is situated outside on the left-hand side of the building. Closer to front of the building, against the wall, is a phone booth. There's someone inside who, in all appearances, is on the phone.  
"Next time, you can just let me hold it" Bill says to Ted as they pass through the bathroom door back outside.  
"Noted, but I just really needed to go. I didn't have time to wait for you to warm your hands beneath the hand dryer" Ted replies.  
As they approach the phone booth the person inside opens the glass panel door and steps out.  
"How's it going guys? My name's George Carlin. You guys look like you like adventures…" _  
_Hillary steps back outside. She's pretty sure her accent and purchases fooled these people into not recognizing her.  
"Ma'am! Your receipt!"  
The clerk came running out of the quick mart. He steps up to Hillary and hands her the paper.  
"You forgot this, miss." He said. "Hey, you know what, you look an awful like like that there Hillary Clinton. Anyone ever tell you that?"  
Hillary nervously smiled. She felt her gut wrenching. She could only deny the claim and hope he drops it.  
"Nah, but you know what. She's way uglier, ma'am. She's like if you pushed two old man's butts together and threw some lipstick on them cheeks! Haha!" He laughed at his comparison. Hillary was less than thrilled.  
"She's like so ugly she makes her own ass look like our Master Controllers tenth wife look like his third!"  
The logic to that sentence just wasn't there to Hillary. He got carried away with the simile. Or was that a metaphor? Hillary honestly didn't think it was anything. This guy seemed drunk.  
"Ok well thank you for my receipt. Have a great day y'all." Hillary said, once more masking her accent.  
Bill and Ted hurried on over back to the hot air balloon.  
"Hillary! Hillary!" Bill screamed.  
"Shut it! You're going to blow my intricate cover story!" Hillary sternly muttered back. "Now, what?"  
Ted began pouring out words. The inflection of the sentences rising up at the end as if a child was trying to convincing their parent of some bullshit. "There's a guy over there. And he wants to take me and Bill on an adventure. He said he had a time machine. And it only costs for free. And we can go right now!"  
Hillary just stared at the two full grown men acting like giddy children about some imaginary time machine. She gave them a very dead eyed stare. Unimpressed with this crap she replied "No. We have a mission to complete. You are committed to me. You will do as I say until this mission is cleared."  
"Did you at least get the ingredients for the chipotle butter?" Bill asked, mouth watering.  
He rifles through the bag filled with no chipotles and no butter. He looks back up to her, feeling betrayed. Teds eyes water up, also upset with Hillary's unfulfilled promises.  
"YOU said we would!" Ted cries out in full on tears now. That sentence igniting a waterfall of emotions. Bill on his knees soaking in a puddle of Hillary's betrayal.  
"YOU said when we landed for a break we would get chipotle butter. YOU said it!" Ted screamed out again pointing at Hillary in an accusing manner.  
Hillary felt no guilt. Fuck these guys. They're idiots.  
"I feel no guilt. Fuck you guys, you're idiots" she said.  
Bill stood up in defiance. He grabbed Ted's hand. Wiped his running noise with his other hand.  
"If you don't care about us and that chipotle butter recipe, then you don't get either of us. And maybe we'll just take that recipe and travel to a time when you actually want to roast that corn" Bill hollered out. He walked up to the hot air balloon, went into the glove box, flipped to the part of the manual with with chipotle butter recipe, and ripped it out.  
"Good luck getting that deposit back now, bitch" he said while waving the page in front of Hillary. Next, he and Ted walked hand in hand back around to the side of the building they just came from. Hillary turned the gas cap closed on the hot air balloon. A few minutes had passed and the men hadn't come back from their tantrum. She walked around the side to see what was going on.

 __"We want to go"  
George Carlin smiled. He knew he'd trick these idiots into a sale. Classic pyramid scheme chumps. First he shows them how it works, then he gets them to think they've already purchased the machine in the future so they may as well just pay while they're in the past to avoid the financial burden back in the future. It was his own homemade trap.  
"Ok then boys, when to?"  
He guided Bill and Ted into the phone booth. He got in himself, lifted the phone, and dialed in the request he got from the two guys.

 __Hillary steps around the corner in time to see two of her husband's crunched into a phone booth with…was that George Carlin? Suddenly, the phone booth starts emitting smoke. The booth itself begins to shake. The sky rapidly darkens. Clouds thicken and turn deep gray. Lightning forms and a square hole opens in the sky. The phone booth takes off through the hole in a burst of electrifying bolts. Hillary is left speechless. They weren't lying. And now, due to Bill and Ted's departure, her plan to get out of this dimension is thwarted.

Part 3

Bill Clinton is finally in Harlem. He's receiving tons of tweets expressing joy for the loss of his wife. Did his wife die? Was she taken down by Bernie and Trump this morning when he happened to catch sight of what appeared to be a minor confrontation? Is a third question necessary to fulfill a common representation of realizations? Everything seemed to be pointing towards yes. He read deeper into the tweets and started finding links to hastily reported stories. A huge wave of terror washed over him. It was worse than he thought. She wasn't dead, but she technically wasn't alive anymore. As awful as people claimed Hillary to be they just couldn't understand her the way Bill did. The two of them were a perfect match. They both enjoyed interjecting themselves into places people don't want them in. Bill turned the corner and walked into the neighborhood barbershop.  
"Hey Tyrell, Tyrone, Tyreese, Ty, Tyjon, Treshaun, Trevaughn, Trejean, and Rhonda" Bill recited in greeting to the group.  
Besides an audible "hmmmm" from Rhonda, the guys were less than responsive. He couldn't understand why they didn't like him.  
He took off his $650 Armani suit jacket and hung it on the coat rack.  
The man Bill referred to as Tyrone, who's name was actually Neil, spoke up.  
"Yo Bill, you know you come in here week after week acting like we're your friends. We are not your friends. You don't call us. You don't ask us how were doing. You don't even know our real names!"  
"But Tyrone…!"  
"IT'S NEIL. NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON! HOW THE HE'LL DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM?!"  
Bill was saddened and confused. Tyrone was always so nice to him. What was the change of heart? Bill choked up and had to get out before the tears came in full force. He busted through the front door and ran to the edge of the sidewalk where he fell to his knees. A force of wind and a loud noise started to surround him. He looked up and saw a stealth plane lowering into the streets. The plane landed and the door opened. Out charged a dozen or so secret agents followed by the current president of the United States of America Barack Obama. He stepped up to Bill Clinton crying on a curb in Harlem.  
"Bill, you're looking good"  
Bill wiped the flood of snot and tears leaving rashes around his upper lip.  
"I can only assume you know why I'm here. Judging by your current state you obviously have heard about your wife and the other candidates. Well I'm here saying we have a chance to get them back. We need you to travel into their dimension and open the path for all of you to return. We have installed a chip into Hillary's body so we're very aware of her whereabouts. Once you have secured all three targets we'll receive a signal and give you the instructions on getting back. This is an extremely risky mission, we don't know what's on that other side. Do you accept the mission Bill? Will you be an American hero?"  
It didn't take more than three seconds for Bill to comply.  
Of course I'm willing, may I invite my friend inside? We kind if just had a disagreement and this would really be a great apology gift."  
Barack looked back with surprise. He agreed to the request.  
Bill ran back into the barbershop.  
"Tyrone! I have a surprise for you! Consider it an apology gift"  
Neil looked back at Bill with disgust.  
"No, absolutely not. I don't even want to see or hear what you have for me. I just want to get my haircut and get back to my research on time travel."  
Bill interjected "But…but…!"  
"No buts! Goodbye Bill, goodbye."  
Bill slumped his shoulders and turned back out the door.  
"Never mind, POTUS, let's just do this thing."  
Twenty minutes later Bill is strapped into a machine that is seconds away from transferring into the alternate dimension. The scientist controlling the machine is given the go ahead and the machine initiates. A laser shooter shot out a beam above Bill's head and directly into a mirror in front of him. The mirror suddenly opened up into a black portal. The scientist then pulled a lever which released the seat Bill was in and he was accelerating towards the hole now. He was launched into the hole and began falling into what looked like infinite darkness. He lost consciousness for a split second and when he came to he could tell the trip was successful. Before he even opened his eyes he felt he was cramped up somewhere tight. He opened his eyes. He was in a phone booth. He was with two others; Ted Cruz…and what the hell? George Carlin?  
"What's going on?!" he screamed.  
Ted laughed. "Bill, relax. We'll be out of this time machine any second now" Ted said and laughed again. The thought of using a time machine to get to the end of the trip in this time machine faster was amusing. "Don't worry, it really seems George knows what he's doing." And with that Ted leaned in and kissed Bill.  
Bill was dumbfounded. He backed away, removing Ted's tongue from his mouth. He looked past Ted and outside of the phone booth. He was flying through time. He had no idea where or when they were headed. It's just a shame Tyrone didn't end up coming along. He would've loved this.

Hillary was closing in on Donald City. She's not sure exactly what she's going to do now when she gets within all the walls. She had planned on having all 3 of her husbands for her master plan, but keeping those other two around was becoming a burden.  
Bernie made a small, yet noticeable move. Maybe he'll wake up before they reach the destination. She sees that they're only about ten miles away now. A drone is approaching the hot air air balloon. It stops right in front of Hillary. She hits the brakes on the hot air balloon just in time. It came to a screeching halt. Hillary was confused, where did the screeching sound come from?  
The drone had a screen connected. A man appeared on the screen.  
"Welcome to Donald City, what is your business for entering?" the man on the screen asked.  
Hillary had to think quick. She hadn't prepared for border control. She signalled the drone towards Bernie.  
"He's hurt! I think he's dying! We need a doctor!" she exclaimed.  
The man on the screen was silent for a few seconds. He then spoke out again. "Ok ma'am, please fly into zone 4. It's due West, past the first 5 walls. We'll open up the rooftop entrance to the hospital. You can just lower on into place and we'll have our doctors on it. We here in Donald City have the best doctors around. Trained by our Master Controller himself, who's the best of the best. He prides himself on having the best surgeries."  
A wave of relief rolls over Hillary. It worked! She'll be within 3 walls from the center where she assumes to find Donald. The drone buzzes off. Hillary makes motions to undo her bra strap. She's going to take these few minutes to figure out a new plan. Once she's at city limits she'll need to make use of the turbo function. How she thinks she'll manage getting underneath the carriage to push the button is beyond her. She retracts one arm into her sleeve and squirms around for a second before pulling her bra completely off and out the sleeve. Now she can really think. She looks at her bra on the floor of the hot air balloon and ponders solutions to her problem. She looks to Bernie next to the bra, still knocked out. If only he were awake, they'd have it figured out together. Then it hit her! A way to have Bernie help without having to be conscious! She began stripping Bernie and herself and harvesting their clothes. It wouldn't be a Hillary plan if everyone involved didn't end up naked.

 __The guard who controls Drone #4421 picks up the phone and dials in to his superior.  
"Sir, it's Hillary. She's making her way into the city. I've routed her to the I Hate Hillary Tower Memorial Slaughter Dome…yes sir…no sir…I don't know sir, she appears not to remember last time at all…She's only with Bernie, sir…ok will do sir. Over and out."

Hillary has stripped down completely. She's also removed all garments from Bernie. Knotted end to end, the clothes were created into a makeshift rope; both ends wrapped around either of their waists. She'll act as an anchor and throw Bernie overboard. With enough push his limp body should swing up underneath and smash into the bottom of the carriage where the key hole is for the turbo. She's glued the key for it facing outward on the back of Bernie's neck. Hopefully, with the right timing and direction, the key will slip in on the upswing. It's the only way.  
She props Bernie up on the edge of the basket. Kisses his unconscious face and pays for a miracle. With all her strength she pushes Bernie out and as upward a possible and then braces for the weight she'll have to endure. Next thing she knows she's being pulled up and over the carriage. She grabs hold of the edge and her naked body slams against the outer edge of the basket. But…now the weight is gone? The clothes rope is hanging loosely around her waist. Did Bernie fall? Was her attempt a failure? What about the key? She climbs over the edge back into the carriage. If anything she needs to turn back to get that key. She really doesn't feel feelings or else maybe she'd feel regret for losing Bernie in a statistically improbable plan. She cuts the wheel on the hot air balloon to turn around. She notices the handle for the turbo was released. That's odd. Possibly a malfunction? She jerks the wheel back in the the other direction. The handle is returned to the lock position. Back again; released. Back the other way; locked. Could it be?

 __A couple of kids are waiting at the bus stop to go to school. They're all looking at their phones. One of them looks up for a second to make sure she's not in the middle of the road again. She notices something strange in the sky and whips open the vine app. She captures the phenomenon above and posts it with the caption "#Wtf #lol #hotairballoonprobz".  
"You guys, look!" she says to friends around her who are all still looking at their phones. They look up at her. She turns her phone around to face them.  
"Look at what I just posted on vine right now"  
The kids gather around. One of them asks her where she saw it.  
"Just now, like it's still up in the sky over there."  
The kids all were all in awe at the video. They moved back to their devices to share it around on their own accounts. The newest viral Vine was quickly becoming a video of a naked old man hanging to the bottom of a hot air balloon by what looked to be the loose skin behind his neck. The hot air balloon itself kept jerking in different directions making the man turn ever so slightly. Within minutes it was shared over 5,000 times.

Hillary is dumbfounded by how the lever has suddenly become functional. She counts it as a miracle. She idles the hot air balloon and starts fishing in the clothes rope to redress herself. Her phone notification light is signaling. It's a tweet! Someone's shared a new vial video with her. She clicks through and lands on a looping video of something awfully familiar. It's her! And is that…BERNIE?! Her plan had worked! Bernie swung up underneath the carriage just right that the key glued to the back of his neck slipped perfectly into the hole. He was still there right underneath her feet dangling naked by the skin of his neck. She was astounded. He was safe! Everything worked out for old Hillary once again. She was bewildered with joy. Now to engage the turbo and get to the center of that city.  
She pulled the handle that now, unlocked, stretches three feet out and spins the igniter to set the motor in gear. One pull wasn't enough. Nothing happened. Second time. The motor is still only puttering and fading. Third times a charm? Nope. She's losing strength. Her attempts are weakening as she continues. Hillary is stumped once again. She sits considering alternate methods. If she didn't have Bernie thrown overboard already, she'd attach him to a clothes rope and throw him overboard to use the force to start the engine. If only those two idiots and they're "chipotle butter centric" way of thinking could just handle a little more patience, our in reality a little more of Hillary's lies. She never planned on roasting that corn, obviously. Hillary stared ahead pondering her next move. She's fully closed in on the outermost wall of DC now. Five drones suddenly hover into sight from behind a wall ahead. They appear armed and they're approaching quickly, making motions to surround the hot air balloon. One of the drones comes close to Hillary. The screen turns on and it's the same gentleman from before.  
"Ma'am, you're authorized for Zone 4 clearance in the western realm. Please follow us to the authorized destination."  
Hillary has no choice but to follow the armed drones to the hospital. As she flies at low speeds over the golden city something catches her eye. Just outside of zone 6 there's a large building with ambulances parked out front. She might not be a genus, but Hillary for damn she knows what a hospital loss like! Something is up. They're not taking her to the hospital. In fact, they didn't even question why she had a naked man hanging from the carriage. The same man she claimed needed help in the first place. She looked ahead to where they were directing her. There was a large dome stadium with the roof hatch sliding open. The dome top was a giant picture of…her face! And there was a giant red circle with a slash over it! This wasn't the hospital. It was the I Hate Hillary Tower! The biggest government funded slaughter dome in the country! Hillary faces certain death if she falls into their trap. She's got to try engaging the turbo engine again. This time it's a matter of life and certain death. All or nothing time! One…two…THREE! She uses every ounce of energy in her being and throws her arm back in a lightning paced rage!  
The motor rises to a putter and resigns back to a standstill once again. Fuck, Hillary thought, she really believed in herself for a second.

As she nears the roof hatch to the slaughter dome the sound of the sirens become audible again. There's also the faint roar of a crowd. Where could that be coming from? Surely there isn't…uh oh. The basket to the hot air balloon submerges below the roof of the dome and she can see and hear the commotion inside. A crowd so large and so violently energized. Easily every seat was filed in this place. In fact the mass of people was so dense down every aisle on every tier inside the IHHT that it appeared beyond its max capacity. Hillary lowers to the center of the dome where a wrestling ring is located. Bernie touches ground first, as he is still naked and hanging from underneath. An official comes out to securely remove him. Hillary then lands the hot air balloon asks steps out. The non-stop screaming coming from the crowd vibrated every home in Hillary's body. Signs bring waved everywhere around her demanding her demise. Was she really this disliked in this dimension? Bernie was dressed and put back out in the wrestling ring. Then the lights went out. Something happened that Hillary couldn't fathom. The roaring crowd began screaming even louder. A powerful voice washed over the dark mass of people. It was an announcer of sorts.  
"Ladies and gentlemen! Are you ready for the fight of a lifetime? Tonight in our Master Controller's self funded slaughter dome! The woman that started it all! The woman that divided our nation once again! The reason this vastly unused gigantic building was built in the first place! Hillary Clinton is on the menu tonight!"  
A halo of spotlights directly above the ring shone down on Hillary now. She was done for. There was absolutely no way to escape. The announcer stared up once more, again overpowering the extreme vibrations from the crowd.  
"Are you ready to meet tonight's guest slaughter champ?"  
The crowd reacted in a unified peak of rage cheering.  
"Alright! Well get ready to meet him! When asked what made him the best choice to kill Hillary he responded with saying he's the best guy, he's got the best skills, he'd definitely get the job done! He's got years of experience destroying bonds that have been set for decades! Some would even say he's DC's own 'Golden Child'…"  
The crowd erupted into an explosion of screaming, clapping, air horns, etc. They knew it. She knew.  
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN DONALD FUCKING TRUMP!"  
The out of control masses continued on. Another set of lights set on across the floor to where Donald Trump entered the arena. He became a silhouette as the lights shut out and a wall of lights turned on behind him. He stood there arms out as if to embrace the raging support he felt in the room. The announcer came back on.  
"And you know Donald doesn't go anywhere without his sidekicks!  
Let's get a big welcome for Maiden China and The Big O.T.!"  
Two more spotlights shone out. At first Hillary was confused. The lights appeared to just be skimming over the crowd. Who were these people the announcer just called upon. Then she saw it. It wasn't the crowd that the lights were shining on. Two bald eagles were flying course across the arena towards Trump. The approached him and perched on his open arms. As they landed they fully stretched their wings out on display and a cannon of fireworks and sparks emitted from either side. The light board turned from white lights to an American flag pattern. The crowd continued losing their freaking minds. It was by far the most insane display of America Hillary had ever seen. If the haunting reminder that she's going to die want looming over her she'd probably be losing her mind just like the crowd. She glanced across the ring towards Bernie. He was sitting there. Head down. Then she saw it. Everyone was so focused on Trumps distracting display of America to notice. Bernie had woken up! He looked to Hillary quickly gave her a wink and promptly shut his eyes again. She didn't know how it helped, but she felt the two of them had a shot together if he would follow her lead.

Donald Trump was on top of the world! How much luckier can one guy get? He falls into another dimension where he is supreme leader? Unbelievable. Not to mention his ultimate nemesis was sitting in a wrestling ring 200 feet from where he stands ready to be slaughtered. A crowd bigger than any rally he could have imagined cheering him on. He was king.  
"Gentlemen and ladies," he said into his microphone "today we're accomplishing something historic. Today we're taking down one of this country's greatest villains."  
The crowd once more erupted into a cheer. His followers were thirsty. Thirsty for Hillary's blood.  
"Let's do this" he uttered as he slightly jerked his arms to set his two eagles in motion. They took off and circled the mass of people once more. Trump stood dumbfounded. He wasn't exactly sure what to do. He was Master Controller, but he really didn't have a plan. He was actually surprised by the unwavering support from his people to let him do whatever he wanted. He took a few steps towards the ring. Music started kicking in. Queens "We are the Champions", but skewed so the lyrics became "I am the Champion". This was Trumps jam for sure. The song amped him up so much. He was completely ready to murder Hillary. He took several more steps towards the ring. A defenseless Hillary Clinton took stance as if she was in any way ready to take him down. Bernie Sanders lay several yards to the side of her, passed out.  
"You see now, everybody, that Hillary has rigged this fight?" he screamed out. "She's knocked out Mr. Sanders in hopes of being number one! Now, you all know I love Bernie. I've never said a bad thing about him. I declare I will win this fight for people like me and Bernie."  
The angry mob that filled the stadium cheered back. They were convinced by Trumps words yet again. Donald then signaled his eagles with his hands. Maiden China instantly strayed from her presumptive path and took a dive directly towards Hillary. Donald could see the fear in Hillary's eyes from where he was standing. The eagle dipped down and dug it's claws directly into Hillary's shoulders and lifted her of the ground. She was now flying high above the ring. Trump took a running start and signaled his other eagle, The Big OT, to take him up. He jumped and the bird lifted him up gently towards a suspended Hillary. He took aim of his target, extended his arms and fingers outward towards her and fired. His finger missiles erupted from his hands and fired directly to where Hillary was being suspended by Maiden China. Surely this was the beginning and end of this event.

Hillary had one choice. Why did it constantly come back to this? She slipped free of her shirt that the eagle was holding her by. She started plummeting to the ground topless. Her one bra strap clips by Maiden China's talon leaving her left breast loose and waving upwards past her shoulder like one of those inflatable dancing tube men you see outside of furniture stores and car dealerships. She watched as Bernie ran out into the ring in an attempt to position himself to save her. She was about 30 feet from the floor when she heard Trumps finger missiles explode into the crowd somewhere. The surviving members of the crowd starting to quiet down and stir. Trumps voice boomed within the confines of the slaughter dome.  
"Everybody stop!"  
That's when Hillary hit the floor. Roughly ten feet from where Bernie stood. His estimated landing spot was way off. He should really look into adjusting his prescription. Every bone Hillary's body ached. She heard Trumps voice once more, this time the voice was fading.  
"Look at what we have accomplished! We may have lost a great deal of people, but I think it's fair to say it's her fault! My aim is perfect. I have the best aim. No one can top me when it comes to aiming, so clearly when she jumped out of the way it messed up my plan and my perfect aim was jeopardized! But look! She's fallen and smashed her spine! She'll be dead soon and we can once again take over ALL of the states once again!"  
Hillary was getting colder. She felt a pool of blood building around her neck.

Bernie was satisfied. Now that Hillary has literally carried him directly to Trump and promptly removed herself from the equation Bernie has the fight he's been looking for all along. He looked up as Trump continued his speech.  
"And have you all noticed a special treat? It looks like Bernie isn't out of the equation after all! I say we make this slaughter event a two for one special!"  
The crowd was convinced. They went back to their blind worship and began cheering for Donalds words again.  
"Bernie, it's my pleasure to have you on the bill tonight. I look forward to completely destroying you. I've never liked you. I've wanted you dead for a long time. In fact, I can't recall ever saying anything nice about you. EVER!"  
Bernie stood confused and screamed up to Trump, who was still being suspended in the air by his bald eagle The Big OT.  
"Donald, I would like to say, I don't believe you are telling the truth. Just minutes ago you said you loved me and you were going to defeat Hillary in the name of people like me."  
"You have no proof of that and if you look at what I said I think you can find that there's no evidence of such and therefore can't be true" Trump replied.  
The crowd stared chanting Trumps name. His voice boomed through the speakers to his audience once again. "Now! Let's show Venue what we used to do to guys like him back in the good old days!"  
Bernie watched as Maiden China starting taking formation to grab him. Then…something else started happening.  
Lightning took form. Thunder louder than Trumps PA system could achieve. A hole opened above the wrestling ring and out fell a telephone booth. It landed directly on top of a dying Hillary officially making her dead. Bernie was beyond shocked. Out stepped Ted Cruz, Bill Clinton, and George Carlin. Ted was toting a bag with random grocery items, Bill was looking for Hillary, and George seemed deeply concerned with the situation. Bill ran up to Bernie.  
"Bernie, my brother, I'm me. I'm Bill from our dimension! I'm here to take you all back! Nothing can stop Hillary's Tri Force of Pleasure!"  
Sorry to say, Bill, but you kind of just did." Bernie said as he pointed to Hillary's body beneath the phone booth.  
"Where's the hot air balloon? Are we making the corn?" Ted asked.  
Bill ran to her body and fell to his knees. He couldn't believe this was his loves fate. Hillary had always been his rock, as in she's got rough skin and won't crack under pressure. He wanted something to remember her by. He took her shoes and socks off and rubbed his face on her cold dead feet. He took the socks and pocketed them.  
"Goodbye my love" he whispered one more.

 __Ted stood crying. Not because his shared wife was dead. Not because they had landed directly into the biggest, scariest slaughter dome in the country, but because they apparently overshot the calculations on when Hillary would be ready to make the chipotle butter.  
"We need to go back! I wanna go back!" He screamed out childishly. He stomped back into the time machine. George Carlin hopped in as well, exclaiming he wanted to "get the fuck out of here". Bernie hopped in as well.  
"Anything to get the hell out of this situation" Bernie remarked.  
Bill was still on his knees. His tears rolling down Hillary's toes. How was he going to go back to their dimension without her? Ted was out of patience. He wanted that corn with chipotle butter NOW! He yanked up Bill and dragged him into the phone booth time machine.  
"Ok, so if the hot air balloon has already landed, we need to go back to right before it lands. That way we can hit the turbo and set that baby on fire and get to roasting that corn!" Ted said with excitement. He picked up the phone and dialed the newly estimated sequence. Once more, lightning started picking up. The four men watched as the crowd became enraged at their escape. Trump could be heard.  
"No! They're getting away! China! Big OT! Get them!"  
The Big OT, with Trump in his clutches, swooped downwards toward them. Maiden China went into a dive as well. Unexpectedly, one of the lighting strikes produced from the time machine struck her. The four men in the phone booth cheered as the nemesis bald eagle fell to the floor. In the next instant, the hole in the sky opened up and they took off through it. _  
_Trump screamed. He couldn't believe his eyes. He signaled fir the Big OT to place him down. He ran over to his beloved pet, Maiden China. He leaned down to where a birds ears probably were.  
"I know I'm from another dimension. And I know technically I barely know you. But these past few hours living life out in this consciousness with you by my side has been ecstasy."  
The bird didn't move. It was definitely killed instantly by the lightning strike. This didn't bother Trump. He opened its break and stuck his tongue in and burst into tears while making out with the dead bird.

 __Colt was a simple man. There wasn't much he loved more than his country, his gun, or his wife. When he got access to Hillary's slaughter today he thought the most patriotic thing he'd see was maybe Hillary's intestines being ripped and consumed by one of Master Controller Trumps bald eagles. And he wasn't disappointed in that aspect, as The Big IT was doing just that across the wrestling ring. What Colt didn't expect was the intense emotions he'd be filled with by watching something not on the agenda. Seeing his leader weep while making out with a dead bald eagle was the most beautiful and heart wrenching thing his American eyes have ever seen. Nothing that Donald Trump did could ever be wrong in his eyes.


End file.
